I always had a sneaking suspicion that I’d go crazy – I just didn’t know that it would hit me quite this young. I am 46 years old and my mind has already begun the descent into madness. Not only that – I’m watching it board the CRAZY TRAIN, don Groucho Marx glasses (with nose)…
Lifting the straps wasn’t helping. Why not? Lifting the straps always helps. The band just seems to… What the? I’m in the office bathroom. I lift my shirt and present my back to the mirror. The whole left side of the brassiere band is… torn?? How much pressure are my tatas putting on this brassiere?…
I’ve got a job for all the socially-conscious hacktivists out there. Join together you cyber Robin Hoods – join forces and find the anonymous trolls who spread their bile throughout the Interwebs. Identify these trolls, procure evidence of their gross violations of common civility and then give transcripts of those violations to the trolls’ Grandmothers….
We watch as he makes a beeline for the living room. “Bodhi?? Where you going, buddy?” He doesn’t even acknowledge us. He takes his 100 lb bulk and climbs up into the Lazy Boy, squeezing his hairiness between the arms of the chair – legs splayed – head over the side. “Bodhi. Dude. You don’t…
Ironing left-handed is akin to learning to ride a unicycle, but I’m pretty sure this hobble-shouldered old dog can learn new tricks. Cursing and taking double the time to actually get clothes wrinkle-free – but 20 minutes later, the shirt’s relatively smooth. TAH-DAAAAH!!!! Until the iron falls, spilling water everywhere, and I reach for it…
The potatoes in the chicken corn chowder should have been cooked. They’d been in the crock pot for 8 hours. Instead they were crunchy. After 8 hours in the crock pot – they were still raw, crunchy potatoes. Tried to nuke the chicken corn chowder, but cooking everything together just made the creamy parts curdle. …
Nothing like a barium swallow to get you in the mood. “Shirt, pants, bra… OFF. Leave only your panties.” The nurse hands me two hospital gowns. “One on the front, one on the back.” She turns to leave. “Oh… you can keep your socks on.” “What about my boots?” I joke. I point to…
I laugh with everyone else when they post texts from their Mom peppered with profanity as the auto-correct takes hold of the device. I’m sure that if my Mom were texting me, her messages would be equally hilarious. Typing too fast in Scrabble chat gives almost the same effect.
“Do tampons come in anything bigger than SUPER PLUS size?” asks Rissa. “I didn’t even know they came in a SUPER PLUS size…” I answer. “They do.” I only pick up Rissa-sized things. Having fully converted to the Diva Cup a while ago – I haven’t purchased tampons for me in so long. I do…
My Mom? She used to make 8 grilled cheese sandwiches at the same time by putting them under the broiler. The oven door would remain open, just a few inches, so that the sandwiches could be monitored – ensuring even browning. My Granny used to do the same thing for breakfast, with open-faced hamburgers buns. …