WARNING: There are bad words in this post. * * * * * * “SHIT, PISS, FUCK, MOTHER FUCKER!!!” I yell, nausea washing over me. I have spent the last 60 minutes painstakingly placing, pinning, and subsequently sewing together the edges of outdoor fabric to a recycled zipper only to just now discover that the ends of…
As a grown-ass woman paying down a mortgage/credit line/supporting a child in university, I’ve managed to curb non-essential spending by online window shopping and pinning the fuck out of colourful things on Pinterest; thereby racking up my virtual endorphins rather than my Visa statement. I have evolved in the past 30 years. I have learned…
Our weekly pancakes aren’t going entirely to plan. We don’t have buttermilk on hand, and none of us feel like masking up and braving the No Frills to get it. Granny’s recipe is always better with buttermilk. “Can’t we just use regular milk?” asks Rissa. “How about we sour the milk. It only takes…” I…
Lola is the most erratic of our three cats. She’s the one whose pupils dilate to an alarming size as she stares at a point, just over your left shoulder, where a knife-wielding maniac has obviously taken up residence. She goes from 0 to feline parkour in less than a second. And she loves, loves,…
Today, I popped a rib by NOT making the bed. I calmly moved towards the bed to begin making it, but then figured, Nah, I’ll do this AFTER I exercise. And then, I calmly walked away from the bed. No sudden movements, no being startled, no overly dramatic sneezing – I simply walked away. And then…
WARNING: Pores and the things that come out of pores are featured in this post. There is a used Bioré strip pic… and links to videos. You’ve been warned. . . . . . . Those Bioré nose strips? Is that accent aigu real? I mean, is it actually French or is it like Hӓagen-Dazs where…
With my head tucked, my oversized Aerie shirt slides up over my face. I feel the butter-soft skin of my tatas against my chin. My line of sight is drawn between my breasts and I can’t help but note their ovular shape. I snort. But then I stop, because it takes me out of the ‘moment’ with…
“That will be $232.31 – would you like to use your $10 reward from your PC points?” says the teenager cashier at No Frills. “I’m sorry it was HOW much?” “$232.31.” “Yes. Yes, I would like to use my $10 in reward points.” I say as calmly as I can, while inside my head I…
It’s the cannabis fudge. That’s why we’re laughing. (Also, this may have been the first time in his life that David has ever truly been high, because I gave him just a titch more fudge than I ingested – you know, because he’s taller and slightly heavier than I am.) We’re laughing so hard that…
I swear I was not being intentionally disrespectful. I just couldn’t take it any more. Earlier in the day: “Hoorah! I have received my shipment of Humpback Posture Correctors!!” (There’s a sentence every woman wants to utter.) It’s been a process folks. After having purchased 6 different styles of posture correctors – each of which…