If I’m walking funny today, it’s because I’ve been well and truly fucked. $13.38 folks. I spent $13.38 on 1.365 kg of gluten free flour.* I thought I was doing the right thing, I really did. I thought that buying all purpose, gluten free flour at the Bulk Barn had to be cheaper than getting…
“I’ve figured it out!!” I exclaim. “You have? That’s great!” says David. “Figured what out?” asks Rissa. “It’s ‘take-a-chance, take-a-chance, take-a-take-a-chance-chance!” “Runh?” from Rissa. His interest now piqued, David stops mid-sandwich prep. I clarify. “I’m playing ABBA on repeat in the car. I’ve never been able to sing along with the boys’ part for…
A beautiful child is ahead of me in line at the Big Box store. She is approximately 7 years of age, dark hair, striking blue eyes. Freaking adorable. I find myself inclined to smile simply because of her incandescent beauty. And then I hear her scream/whine this: “I want TWO Kinder eggs!!!” The tone…
I do a double-take as I open my elbow. Since when does the skin there look like a plucked chicken? Like a really old, plucked chicken? Freaking ANCIENT. “Whoa! What the….? EEEEEEEEEEEW!“ “What are you doing?” asks Rissa. “Look at this skin!” “What about it?” “My inside elbow looks 90!” “No it does not.” “Sure…
Rissa and I love IZombie. We love when Liv cooks the brains each episode. We love when Major’s personality transforms after eating mind candy. We love the theme song, the bad puns, the comic panels. And then Blaine says, “I was singing Hallelujah… the Jeff Buckley tune…” Which is when I lose my shit. “COHEN!! …
CRASH!!! “What the???” David, Rissa and I all turn towards the laundry closet, from whence the sound emerged. When had we docked a ship back there and how had it broken free from its moorings? “What was that?” We all look at each other, on the cusp of Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spocking for who…
WARNING: This post doesn’t pull any punches. I need a table set up in my home, under the most natural light possible, where a team of aestheticians clad in neuroscientist’s glasses can groom me every morning. This finding hair on my face, chin, neck, legs – breasts – at inopportune moments has got to stop….
I’m looking into the back yard. Big, fluffy snowflakes are falling… “It’s snowing!” “Seriously?” The rest of the household does not appear as thrilled with early spring snow. Strange though – it’s only snowing in our yard. “Wait, they’re not snowflakes – they’re not just falling down, they’re sort of moving in other directions. Moths? …
“We’re really doing this?” asks David. “I’m willing to try anything,” I respond. “All right, lie down.” He pulls the sheet over me before hefting up a weighted blanket. Filled with 8 lbs of plastic beads, the blanket is deliciously cool against my body despite its weight. I am forgoing a sleeping pill so that…
Appendage depression doesn’t get a lot of air play. Unless of course the appendage is a penis and then any story therein related will fill your news feed. My left hand has a death wish. To look at it, you wouldn’t think that it’s any different really from my right hand. Fingers the same length…